Friday, March 07, 2014

Seasons Change and So Did I

Why not an update, hey? It's been a thing I've been avoiding because I don't really need another creative avenue to express myself. I've been doing stand up and that's been enough when most of my week is just standing behind a counter in a Costco just hoping I don't look like I hate being there.

Perhaps some of you may be thinking that I'm going to talk about my mother's passing here, but not now. It will need it's own post to reflect upon and it's my blog and I'll write what I want. Sorry, that got snippy for no reason.

Comedy has been getting better. I've been finding myself get more confident on stage and being able to delve into some personal stories and ideas. Even exploring aspects about faith and my weird experiences with sexuality growing up in the church which I never really thought I would. However, as much fun as it is to do a silly dinosaur, I've found the most rewarding thing is to share something personal. One of my strengths in comedy is finding a way to be vulnerable and yet at the same time be entertaining enough to share those vulnerable thoughts. It's been nice to have people say afterwards that they've never heard anything like that before or that they have had a similar experience and they felt a connection.

At this point, comedy continues to draw me forward and I have a couple of opportunities that I'm looking into that would be real exciting, but I'm not going to say here in case it doesn't work out. Before I started to focus on this, I told myself that I'd give myself 2 years to completely suck at it before I would reconsider and now that I'm at the year and a half mark, I don't completely suck at it. And that was from a comic that used to think there was no hope for me. So, I'll stick it out a little longer at least.

Marriage is obviously the other major change in my life and goes along. I will say it is a little more difficult to fully express myself about the matter because although I am okay with sharing my personal thoughts, experiences and struggles, I now have to be considerate of my wife's privacy. One thing that has struck me about the whole thing so far is how much of introvert and solitary person I was and am. With another person around most of the time, I find myself trying to carve out time to be completely separated, not because I do not enjoy my time with Kyla, but rather my mind cannot wander and think and explore when it is also subconsciously checking in on her when she is nearby.

On the flip side, spending time with her has made me be more silly. Sillier that I've ever really been. Making stupid faces at each other and playfully teasing each other. Stuff that would make anyone sick to actually witness and so we hide that it happens just like the Tanners hid Alf or like I hide the fact that I play way too much Candy Crush on Facebook.

By the way, let me apologize if updates of me playing that appeared on your newsfeed. I have no idea how Facebook works anymore as I found out when it leaked out before I intended that Kyla and I were in a car accident.

Which is another thing that happened on my birthday. Between figuring out the legal stuff with mom's death, figuring out how taxes change when you're married and experiencing how insurance claims work, I now feel like an adult. Being a cog in the wheel of bureaucracy with no end to the stupidity of paperwork and obligations until it squeezes the last bit of life out of your soul. You know, an adult.

Don't read into that. I'm being silly.

Something I've noticed after all these major changes that I've had in my life is that the ever present low level of depression that followed me still continues to linger regardless of the changes. I understand when they say it's not a thing you can just will away with a better attitude. It's like a lens that colours everything just a little greyer.

"Hey, wait. Aren't you the idiot that does the stupid dinosaur thing? You of all people shouldn't be mopey. Maybe ashamed. But not mopey!"

The challenge I've found throughout my whole experience is not being silly and pointing out stupidity. The challenge is finding the things that are not silly and then allowing yourself to earnestly enjoy those things. It is common to see when people are being funny, they are tearing down something or someone or some idea and that can be so much fun. However, if everything is ripped apart then what is left to enjoy? It's easy to point out the ridiculousness of things. Whatever it may be. However, the people that can expertly rip things apart also seem to be the most miserable.

The folks I appreciate the most are the ones that take the less easy route of being genuine and kind. I try to model myself after that. Telling comedians specifically which jokes I like or giving them words that build them up. It feels weird to do it. I'm analyzing myself as I do it and I'm afraid I look like I'm just trying to butter them up so I can get something out of them later or I feel a sense of vulnerability at the hand of people that could turn around and perfectly eviscerate me with their words.

Being in Edmonton and starting a new life here has been strange. I feel especially disconnected from my friends in Winnipeg and it feels like a different dimension going back there. Many of them have kids and have been married for a while and in the middle of careers and the last time we talked in depth has been years. It's not anybody's fault because it is just how life goes. It gets busy and time is rare commodity.

This post doesn't have the same element of some significant reflection as some of my other ones, but that's because this is just to be a form of personal update for those curious. I hope to share more when I have time. Which may be a while...

"No time for a summer friend
No time for the love you send
Seasons change and so did I
You need not wonder why
You need not wonder why
There's no time left for you
No time left for you."
- "No Time" from the The Guess Who album "American Woman"

1 comment:

JoAnn Reive said...

Well said young man....well said.