It is about time that I write an update of my life. Especially since so much has changed. I am now a resident of the city of Edmonton. Frankly, I never expected to find myself here. It is not a city I would choose under typical circumstances.
The reason it's Edmonton and not some other city is simply because the girl I'm engaged to is here. I would have gone back to Winnipeg or headed west to Vancouver. I've an aversion to Alberta in general probably because I see it as one of those "have" provinces and I have that thing where I cheer for the underdog. Big deal, you were successful because you were given everything? Who cares?
This is where I show my hand. The fact is, I was afraid to really put myself on the line and go to a place where I would be gambling. When I was in Winnipeg and casually perform skits and present videos at camps or church when people asked me to, but I never actively pursue it, I would fall back on: "I don't have a safety net if the comedy thing doesn't work out so I have to be responsible and not take a chance." It wouldn't really be my fault if I didn't go anywhere in comedy it would be the situation I was in to blame.
The fact is that I would never go anywhere with an attitude like that. If I said, "Oh, if only I lived in New York, then it would be a different story," then I would be lying. I would most likely find some other reason that I was not trying it.
It really doesn't matter where I wound up, I needed to start putting myself on the line. I needed to get back to a city. It didn't really matter where. Edmonton was as good as any to attempt my run at comedy. I've been here close to a couple of weeks and I'm antsy to get onstage even though I'm not really sure how to do it. Stand up is a harsh thing to get into due to the fact that you can only refine your jokes in front of a crowd. I'm going to have to face failure and often.
Last night, I was at a bar that had a comedy night and I was watching one of the worst crowds talking over the comedians. Some guys just left the stage halfway through there bit. I was talking to one of the comedians afterward and he said that this was actually one of the better nights there.
You may ask, "Why are you even bothering to do this? It sounds terrible." I'll be honest with you. I don't know what else is going to give me drive in terms of something to do. Getting my self esteem kicked on stage nightly in the hopes of becoming a comedian seems better than anything else.
I just got a job at a cell phone store in a mall. As I was filling out the paperwork, I was already wanting to quit. The ideals of a store like that make me cringe. I know that I can do it, but it will be doing the thing that disgusts me the most. I know I can do well at it, but it will eat at me everyday I'm there.
I've had some people tell me that I should pursue ministry in a formal capacity and I wonder about that. I don't know if some of my thoughts on the spiritual journey would really be welcomed. I would have to say things up front with my fingers crossed behind my back. I have many thoughts that are right up the alley that Christians eat up and they are received well, but I know I'm coming at it from a different perspective in mind that many would not agree with and I would hide my thoughts. If I became a pastor in a formal sense, I would be less of a pastor in the true sense.
I am currently able to speak into people's lives that challenge them and give a vital hope that only the gospel of Christ can offer, but it would disappear if I sat behind the desk. I would be in the same predicament as I am now at the cell phone store.
So, if I can't be a pastor, then I should be with the people that I can speak to. I'm doing the cell phone thing until I can get my comedy up on its feet. People don't understand why I want to do comedy. I am simply looking for drive. I want something that is can fuel me and keep me going.
For me, the struggle is not about finding the thing that will give me success and wealth and it's not about finding the thing that I can do well. The struggle has been to find that thing that will give me drive. I'm coming to realize that the thing that will give me drive requires me to do the toughest thing of all and be honest in all senses of the word.
"In these bodies we will live,
In these bodies we will die,
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
Awake my soul...
Awake my soul...
Awake my soul...
For you were made to meet your maker"
- "Awake My Soul" from the Mumford & Sons album "Sigh No More"