Full Circle

It's been a little while since I have come back to my blog and I think that it's funny that they last post is in a place where I once again find myself. As I reflect on these last ten months, it's weird to think that I have come full circle. I was searching for a major change. But I couldn't find it. My scenario really didn't change. I found myself treading into a darker and darker place. I went to Toronto with my brother in order to get away and reflect about what I should do. I had a great encounter with my friend, Michelle, who gave me some encouragement and advice. I then went to speak at Covenant Bay Bible Camp and caught a glimpse of a change. I wanted to not have to feel like I have to settle.

I came back to Winnipeg and got the idea for perhaps doing a new sketch comedy tour. It gave me a goal.

Then came along Rebecca. I won't get too much into it, but one thing that I was enjoying was how things seem to have finally looked like they were progressing. Like I was getting things together. I had a glimpse of a life of hope and a place of what I should be doing and I was moving there.

It all changed, though. I screwed it up. There's not much there to defend me. I found out who really am behind it all, and it turns out that I'm not as good as I thought. I mean, I never had the idea that I was perfect, but I always imagined that I was a higher caliber of guy who just hadn't found his niche. It turns out that I'm not. I'm just another guy who doesn't know who he is. Which is really, honestly disappointing.

I am back at the place ten months ago. I want change. I want to change. I have nothing here. I want nothing here. Well, almost nothing here. I lost my love for people. I lost my love. I lost love. I don't have a desire to do anything. I am passing time, it feels.

Rob reminded me of a Smashing Pumpkins song and the line "I'm in love with my sadness" and if I become like that, he is going to punch me. He's got a good point. I gotta keep on the positive side. And it's been difficult to do so. Really, what I would like is to want. I want desire. I've been so concerned with making other people happy and seeing things from other's perspectives for so long that the idea of what I want has been bleached away and faded. Who is David Rae? I don't know. A lot of people don't really try to look into who I really am and my reflective side. They think I am the guy on stage. People who know me better tell me I'm a hard guy to pin down. That the line between me and my sarcasm is blurred. Now, I fear I may have actually fooled myself this whole time. That even I do not know who I am. Maybe I have to go find him.

"When everything starts to fall

So fast that it terrifies you

When will you hit the wall?

Are you gonna learn to fly?

No one would believe it

Except for all the people

Watching as you fly away

Baby when I get home

I want to pick up the pieces

Hammer in the final nail

And lean me up against Jesus"

- "Time Bomb" from Dave Matthews Band's Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King